Fathers Day
Where I am typing this blog was already a semi-finished blog post that I was going to post on Fathers Day, but I decided to clear the slate and start fresh, with freshly healed emotions but still the raw power to explain my thoughts.
Today is the one year anniversary of my biological fathers death. The emotions I have struggled with over the last year have brought me to some of the darkest corners of my emotions. I felt there was a time I might never get out, but I am here today, feeling brighter but the last few days have held darkness.
How do you say goodbye to someone who you never had closure from? Feeling sadness about a year without a father who I had not spoken to in almost 9 years seems like an oxymoron. Our relationship was strained but he was 50% of the combination that makes up me, so the benefit of the doubt should be given.
The sinking feeling of sadness overwhelms me when I think about my biological father. Sadness that he created a life and seemed to forget about me. Sadness that I think he could have actually forgotten about me, when he really didn't.
Growing up is a hell of a drug. It gets you super high, and super low.
Thanks to the amazing group of people I keep around me at all times, my lowest points have never been too low and my highest points are constant sources of happiness, laughter and vodka-cran when necessary.
I am sad knowing his fiance won't get to experience growing old with her soulmate. I am sad that somehow, there was never an arrest in what is clear as day a vehicular manslaughter case...but I digress.
I am happy knowing he did love me and my sister confirms that for me often. I am happy knowing he was OK with the decisions I made as a young adult to chose another father. We are all not lucky enough to get a second chance at a father but I am super lucky to have that chance.
To anyone that may stumble upon this, and for friends I know in similar situations, lets talk about it. Explain how you feel, have those conversations that matter before it's too late. I am here as a friend, a survivor of complicated father-daughter relationships and someone who cares.
I will always love my dad and I hope that in the the weird flicker of random light bulbs and the random middle of the night deep sleep jolt awake moments, it's him telling me it's all good Booga Snooga...it's all good.
Today is the one year anniversary of my biological fathers death. The emotions I have struggled with over the last year have brought me to some of the darkest corners of my emotions. I felt there was a time I might never get out, but I am here today, feeling brighter but the last few days have held darkness.
How do you say goodbye to someone who you never had closure from? Feeling sadness about a year without a father who I had not spoken to in almost 9 years seems like an oxymoron. Our relationship was strained but he was 50% of the combination that makes up me, so the benefit of the doubt should be given.
The sinking feeling of sadness overwhelms me when I think about my biological father. Sadness that he created a life and seemed to forget about me. Sadness that I think he could have actually forgotten about me, when he really didn't.
Growing up is a hell of a drug. It gets you super high, and super low.
Thanks to the amazing group of people I keep around me at all times, my lowest points have never been too low and my highest points are constant sources of happiness, laughter and vodka-cran when necessary.
I am sad knowing his fiance won't get to experience growing old with her soulmate. I am sad that somehow, there was never an arrest in what is clear as day a vehicular manslaughter case...but I digress.
I am happy knowing he did love me and my sister confirms that for me often. I am happy knowing he was OK with the decisions I made as a young adult to chose another father. We are all not lucky enough to get a second chance at a father but I am super lucky to have that chance.
To anyone that may stumble upon this, and for friends I know in similar situations, lets talk about it. Explain how you feel, have those conversations that matter before it's too late. I am here as a friend, a survivor of complicated father-daughter relationships and someone who cares.
I will always love my dad and I hope that in the the weird flicker of random light bulbs and the random middle of the night deep sleep jolt awake moments, it's him telling me it's all good Booga Snooga...it's all good.
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